In this mind

Currently Presents the Carnival Featuring the Refugee Allstars By Wyclef Jean see related

The Wall

I trust no one. I do carry pride. I ask, can you blame me. He said no. I said why? He answered because for the past two years and years before you help a lot in.

Yes I did. I help a lot of my sensitive feelins inside. I let it built up. I turned some to anger, sadness and most of all pride. Can you tell my smile twitches? I can't smile like before. Doesn't feel the same.

I met this girl. We ended up being friends. I had a crush on this guy. She obviously could tell how interested I was into him but can I make a move...no. Because I'm not the same anymore. I can't just approach guys. I just can't do it anymore. I just can't talk and flirt. I'm shy and I question if I'm scared too. So she asked me, do I like him? I said no. Of course I said no..I just have a crush. But she heard the way I reacted towards..I acted like a teen again..all giddy and excited. Then she flirts with him right there and then. Then she ask me that question and said she's been talking to him past two days. Then she continues to talk to him after I said i don't like him knowing my interest the way I sound. So therefor how could she says she know she doesn't know me very well but she knows me. So then..if so..why did you talk to him?

She broke the girl code. And I take two steps back. How could I make that girl a close friend. I can't. She's now piled onto my wall.

Why she less contacting me after I text her..that I need to talk to her. She ask if she's in trouble. I said you are who you are. I just need to talk to you.

Now she moved on. Just like how she did with her other friends. Maybe she needs to face things. I don't know. I need to too but I'm actually trying. I'm now confronting but these people dont like to confrontations. It's ashame how I feel like we still live back in 1999. Ridiculous. Just be straight up. Grow up.

Eh it's whatever. Friends don't do that stuff to one another. I didn't. I didn't get with the person they like. I didn't even hook up with the person they like . Even if they have an interest I still wouldn't do it. I would push my friend instead or take my friend there and do my own thing while they get to know each other.

Oh well. Two steps back.

I'm just in stress. In fustration. With just everything work, education, finances and people.  

New blurr pic of me:

Deep Ocean

Hello Xanga,

Yes it has been awhile again. Where do I begin?

I still have the same job. I don't go to school. I'm a failure. I'm actually heartbroken. I feel like the world betrayed me and know one is ever so understanding. Then why should it matter. So why care. In the end, I give up. And I too don't care. So no, I don't think the world is against me. And I don't want attention. I think it's feels cozy being left alone. I give up on looking nice, smelling good, smiling and laughing. What's to laugh about? Looking good is decieving..men only crave for the thin, the makeup, the butt, the boobs, long hair, perfect lips, lucious yes and the perfect smile.

I don't have all that. I'm actually fat. Yes, I'm thick but not heavy obese. At least not yet. I get tired of them people saying they are fat and they're 5'2ish, size 5, weighs 140ish. That's normal you damn idiot.

I weigh 146pounds. I'm 5'. I barely fit to a size 7. I wear large size shirts now. When I use to wear small or medium. My boobs are B cups. I got a belly that rolls out of my pants and shows when I wear dresses. I got pimples and zits all over my face. My smile is funny looking and pictures are close to truth you'll get. I have nasty armpints. And black markings. I have a sickness in my eyes that makes me no longer even want to have sex with any guy because they all carry some type of disease. Especially this one guy..Dennis James. Yea people. Dennis James has a dirty fuckin dick. That fucker fucked some dirty ass bitches. And I can tell you the types he fucked too. Yea at one point that fucker told me who he fucked. And my god he's one dirty motherfucker. And to think I was a great good person in his life. But no, he's not. He's one dirty FUCKER! And he just passed along..that dirty dick to a new girl. Congradulations stupid girl! Have fun at the docs ^_^

Yea so now that I'm ugly. I know I can't get no guy. Especially asian guys! OMG let me tell they are sooo f'n stereo typical!! They love the chinky eyes, thin thin thin is just the trend, and they're trendy and sooo kawaii! Ugh, those asian girls rely on mommy and daddy. They got savings. They got people to pay for thier shit! Unfortunately! I'm not full asian. And I'm glad that I'm not. I'm glad I grew up understanding hardship! Yes hardship. Living off of donated clothes and shoes. Donated food. OMG my favorite dish was when we ate nothing but milk and rice. Did you know in third world countries, they too ate that way. My mother grew up that way! And I'm not ashame of it, not one bit. I'm so happy to understand that. I'm happy for what I got in life even if it means drifting away.

I don't feel close to my family anymore. I just don't. Don't take it as an offense. It's how I feel. And I don't care. I feel a bit closer to my mom. And I love the youngest brother..Jeffrey. He could be annoying and disrespects me most the time. But I love him because I know he appreciates me..at least that's how he treats me.

My other brother..him. I don't feel close to him at all. I did at a point in life. Now he seems different. Cold. As if I don't know him. He seems lonely..dark...faded away. Like a stranger lingering around my present. Scarey.

My dear sister..the one I use to call my best friend. The one I thought I can turn to emotionally. But I can't. She's almost like a stranger to me. She's probably going through stuff too. But I would not know because we're not close and we barely talk. She's there for financially. And I'm trying to save up to pay her back. It's hard because I'm in debt. I'm not in school so the government want thier money. Plus there's other bills too. I'm looking for a second job just to earn money and pay her. Other than that..that's what she just seems like to me. She's probably close to my other family members and always her friends. But to me..to my heart..she's just a sister that I don't have a connection with.

Those three makes fun of me. Do I blame them..I use to be really hurt. Because I became super sensitive. But now..I gave up. Fine..I'm dumb. I just walk away now or remain quiet. I like my room. It's just me and the room. No one else. Feels good.

I'm tired of typing. Later Xanga.

Divided Road

What path should I take?

-That's a good question.

Why is she acting that way?

-No idea..maybe she keeping an opinion to herself

Why is he being disrespect?

-Maybe because he's being distracted.

Why me?

-No fuckin idea why

Is this normal?

-Guess everyone goes through it at some point in life

When will I heal?

-Hopefully in time?

Will he get his karma/

-In time

Circle

Hard to trust anyone. Also hard to rely on anyone including the ones important in your life. Ehh whatever.

The only person I can trust is this one friend I hae since childhood. She's so reliable. Very trustworthy. Truthful and non judgemental. She accepts my flaws and consider my feelings. She's one true sweetheart. But I'm happy though she's having the time of her life. We'll always talk and come back to each other.

So I've decided to get the haircut on my own. Try my best to stay fit. And go out with a friend to dance or do whatever. Go to school and not give a shit what's around me.

 I don't even tell anyone including my family much. They just see things..and judge right off. They have no idea what is on my mind, what my intentions are or how I'm feeling. And I honestly...I don't care.

It's in one ear and out the other. And a laugh. My mood is really " I just don't give a fuck. So shut the fuck up and leave me the fuck alone."

Glad I'm leaving va for a good weekend.

AZ here I come.