Deep Ocean

Hello Xanga,

Yes it has been awhile again. Where do I begin?

I still have the same job. I don't go to school. I'm a failure. I'm actually heartbroken. I feel like the world betrayed me and know one is ever so understanding. Then why should it matter. So why care. In the end, I give up. And I too don't care. So no, I don't think the world is against me. And I don't want attention. I think it's feels cozy being left alone. I give up on looking nice, smelling good, smiling and laughing. What's to laugh about? Looking good is decieving..men only crave for the thin, the makeup, the butt, the boobs, long hair, perfect lips, lucious yes and the perfect smile.

I don't have all that. I'm actually fat. Yes, I'm thick but not heavy obese. At least not yet. I get tired of them people saying they are fat and they're 5'2ish, size 5, weighs 140ish. That's normal you damn idiot.

I weigh 146pounds. I'm 5'. I barely fit to a size 7. I wear large size shirts now. When I use to wear small or medium. My boobs are B cups. I got a belly that rolls out of my pants and shows when I wear dresses. I got pimples and zits all over my face. My smile is funny looking and pictures are close to truth you'll get. I have nasty armpints. And black markings. I have a sickness in my eyes that makes me no longer even want to have sex with any guy because they all carry some type of disease. Especially this one guy..Dennis James. Yea people. Dennis James has a dirty fuckin dick. That fucker fucked some dirty ass bitches. And I can tell you the types he fucked too. Yea at one point that fucker told me who he fucked. And my god he's one dirty motherfucker. And to think I was a great good person in his life. But no, he's not. He's one dirty FUCKER! And he just passed along..that dirty dick to a new girl. Congradulations stupid girl! Have fun at the docs ^_^

Yea so now that I'm ugly. I know I can't get no guy. Especially asian guys! OMG let me tell they are sooo f'n stereo typical!! They love the chinky eyes, thin thin thin is just the trend, and they're trendy and sooo kawaii! Ugh, those asian girls rely on mommy and daddy. They got savings. They got people to pay for thier shit! Unfortunately! I'm not full asian. And I'm glad that I'm not. I'm glad I grew up understanding hardship! Yes hardship. Living off of donated clothes and shoes. Donated food. OMG my favorite dish was when we ate nothing but milk and rice. Did you know in third world countries, they too ate that way. My mother grew up that way! And I'm not ashame of it, not one bit. I'm so happy to understand that. I'm happy for what I got in life even if it means drifting away.

I don't feel close to my family anymore. I just don't. Don't take it as an offense. It's how I feel. And I don't care. I feel a bit closer to my mom. And I love the youngest brother..Jeffrey. He could be annoying and disrespects me most the time. But I love him because I know he appreciates me..at least that's how he treats me.

My other brother..him. I don't feel close to him at all. I did at a point in life. Now he seems different. Cold. As if I don't know him. He seems lonely..dark...faded away. Like a stranger lingering around my present. Scarey.

My dear sister..the one I use to call my best friend. The one I thought I can turn to emotionally. But I can't. She's almost like a stranger to me. She's probably going through stuff too. But I would not know because we're not close and we barely talk. She's there for financially. And I'm trying to save up to pay her back. It's hard because I'm in debt. I'm not in school so the government want thier money. Plus there's other bills too. I'm looking for a second job just to earn money and pay her. Other than that..that's what she just seems like to me. She's probably close to my other family members and always her friends. But to me..to my heart..she's just a sister that I don't have a connection with.

Those three makes fun of me. Do I blame them..I use to be really hurt. Because I became super sensitive. But now..I gave up. Fine..I'm dumb. I just walk away now or remain quiet. I like my room. It's just me and the room. No one else. Feels good.

I'm tired of typing. Later Xanga.

Divided Road

What path should I take?

-That's a good question.

Why is she acting that way?

-No idea..maybe she keeping an opinion to herself

Why is he being disrespect?

-Maybe because he's being distracted.

Why me?

-No fuckin idea why

Is this normal?

-Guess everyone goes through it at some point in life

When will I heal?

-Hopefully in time?

Will he get his karma/

-In time

Circle

Hard to trust anyone. Also hard to rely on anyone including the ones important in your life. Ehh whatever.

The only person I can trust is this one friend I hae since childhood. She's so reliable. Very trustworthy. Truthful and non judgemental. She accepts my flaws and consider my feelings. She's one true sweetheart. But I'm happy though she's having the time of her life. We'll always talk and come back to each other.

So I've decided to get the haircut on my own. Try my best to stay fit. And go out with a friend to dance or do whatever. Go to school and not give a shit what's around me.

 I don't even tell anyone including my family much. They just see things..and judge right off. They have no idea what is on my mind, what my intentions are or how I'm feeling. And I honestly...I don't care.

It's in one ear and out the other. And a laugh. My mood is really " I just don't give a fuck. So shut the fuck up and leave me the fuck alone."

Glad I'm leaving va for a good weekend.

AZ here I come. 

Xanga..no one goes on xanga anymore. That's actually great. Everyone is now all of sudden on facebook. First it was myspace then facebook now this new bull crap call twitter. I refuse to join. It's bullshit.

My aunt Catalina passed away couple of days ago. It's a huge tragic for my cousins and the rest of the family. I couldn't imagine to loose a mother through the way they went through. Anuerysm. It's so sad to see them in tears.

I've been feelin annoyed and angry. I really don't want to deal with people. Including my family. Only my sister and cousin are my lay back. I don't mind hanging out with them. There's a lot on my mind and I don't need people saying shit to me. I don't need people judging and giving me advice. I didn't ask, so I don't want it.

I don't like my weight. I'm not happen how much inches I've gain. I need to hit the gym multiple times. I'm actually trying to loose weight the healthy way. The way I did before. I've been looking for dance classes. I'm trying to get  myself in a routine of different workouts.

Anyway..I had a dream. And it felt like a nightmare. I was angry. I was angry with everyone. I was angry..because I felt like everyone change. Everyone became mean and nasty. Selfish and greedy. And they were all in thier cliche. Felt like no cared. No on was respectful and no one had manners. Then I woke up.

When I think about the dream I realize..it's me. I'm just upset that the world has became cold. No one has a heart. Everyone is greedy. The one event that happen in my dream was...I was trying to reach for something but I had to go through all these obstacles and time was running out. I asked for help..and these people just stared. Then next thing you know, thier gone.

I forced myself to get up.

It's ashame. I just want to live in peace.

Empty Frames

Va Beach with Trudy 02/2009

From Jenny for my bday 03/2009

  @ Apex with my co worker for Sid's Bday 02/2009

Here's the song I've been looking for that Neyo one day wrote for a friend to make her feel better. According to Neyo, one day his friend went over because she just got out of a relationship. She was heartbroken. So he decided to write her a song and it made her feel better.

It's a very nice song.

Lyrics:

Hmmm

I can feel the raindrops
slowly falling
and they calling for
they keep calling for
my knight in shining armour
come and save me
cause im drowning in pain

ive been hurt
by his mistakes
so come and take me away

i put him first
i thought he'd stay
but he couldn't weather the storm
so he left me the rain

over time, pictures fade
all thats left are these empty frames
sleepless nights, and stormy days
i've got proof that people change
and all thats left are these empty frames
all thats left are these empty...

can you hear these teardrops
in my pillow?
they keep falling cause
i kept falling for your dozen thorny roses
now im bleeding
and im lonely again

now im hurt
it's my mistake
i should have known right away
i put him first
i thought he'd stay
but he couldn't weather the storm
so he left me the rain

over time, pictures fade
all thats left are these empty frames
sleepless nights, and stormy days
i've got proof that people change
long after the smiles all fade away
all this endless pain
all this empty space

sleepless nights, and stormy days
i've got proof that people change
over time, pictures fade
and all thats left are these empty frames

over time, pictures fade
all thats left are these empty frames
sleepless nights, and stormy days
all thats left are these empty...

over time, pictures fade
and all thats left are these empty frames
sleepless nights, and stormy days
i've got proof that people change

all thats left are these empty frames

all thats left are these empty frames

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpsQAiyxNog